weeks five and six

Heading into my fifth week, things got kind of rough. I went on a camping trip and couldn’t even drink a beer! I couldn’t eat the fancy quesadillas our friends brought (no soft cheeses, girls). And no cowboy coffee for me. (Sure, the books say you can safely have 300 grams of caffeine a day, but then they all say we should give it up anyway, just to be 100% safe. Doublespeak and guilt trips: that’s why I avoid the books.)

A more serious note: I started having cramps. I’d read that mild cramps were pretty normal, and I’d had some, right around the time when I found out I was pregnant. For a couple of days I’d felt like I was about to start my period.

But these were worse. These were curl-up-on-the-floor-and-try-to-breathe cramps. They lasted for 15-30 minutes, and would come on several times a day. Twice I caved and took acetaminophen. I was scared. I’d never heard of anyone having cramps this bad. Was it a bad sign? Was I going to lose the baby?

They subsided after a week. But the fear remains, in the first trimester. It leaves me unwilling to get excited about the baby; I don’t want to get attached until I know I won’t lose her. But twelve weeks is a long time to put your heart on hold, to remain emotionally uncommitted to a baby inside you.

That baby is the size of a lentil now

Weeks three and four

I felt different for the next couple of days. My breasts were tender and I was having crazy dreams. Nine days after I ovulated, I had some tears and mood swings. Eleven days after I ovulated I started having light cramps. And then, for a couple of days, I felt absolutely normal.

Any real or imagined “symptoms” of pregnancy disappeared, and all I felt was crazy as I counted the days until I could take a pregnancy test and get results.

I took one on mother’s day, ten days after I ovulated. Nothing.

Two days later, I sneaked into the bathroom in the school hallway.  My students were mostly gone for the day.  And there it was: a little blue cross. I burst into tears.

My only thought: I’m not ready for this.

My husband’s only thought, when I told him that night on our dinner date at Nana’s Soup House: happiness and unbelief.

We’re having a baby.